I want us to focus on the word single parent in this piece as my goal is to share authentic experiences from this lens. Single parents are superheroes and deserve to acknowledge how hard we work; sometimes just a hug and to be seen and heard helps. In my experience, people focus on the fact that they never could imagine doing it alone and how amazing we are to be a single parent. The intentions behind these words I find are always shared with awe and inspiration, but sometimes we just want someone to carry the weight for one minute, so we don't have to be alone anymore.
So, let’s get into the ugly truths behind being a single parent.
We Forget to Celebrate the Small Things
Hello again - my name is Cora and I have been a single mom since I was 16. My tiny human is now a teenager and after so many years, I feel like I can finally take a breath and cherish the journey we have had together. For the last 14 years, I have pushed through every hard moment, I remember the important moments but they often are overlooked by the next challenge.
The thing about being a single parent is you never have the time for a moment to just enjoy the caregiving journey you are on. You are always thinking of the next steps to take, who is going to watch your tiny human during your next shift, what happens if they get sick, how are you going to make the Christmas concert and why are award assemblies always in the middle of a work day?
Anyone have that answer? Let me tell you school and work don’t always care if you are a single parent. You make it work, and you do it every time, but there is never someone standing beside you in the ugly and pushing through it with you.
We are on Another Level of Lonely
Being a single parent is a whole other level of being alone, I feel the absence in every part of my life. I feel it when she smiles, when she achieves something amazing, when she overcomes an obstacle. I feel it when she is sick, when she needs someone to listen to her, and when she is hurt.
You are constantly in this battle of being guilty, and being proud of the young person you are raising. I think the hardest part is that you are stuck between the emotions of pride for the young person they are turning into, and the guilt for all the sacrifices you have had to make.
The Guilt is Real
Within my career in social services, we work shift work. When my tiny human was nine-years-old, I had to make a career choice to leave one job and begin at another based on income. This however came with a lot more shift work, including evenings and weekends.
I had to rely on babysitters for support, and that meant some nights I didn’t get home till 1am, when she was already asleep. I would go a week without seeing my daughter for more than five minutes in the morning during school drop off. Of course I’m aware some may say that is the same for our two-parent households also working shiftwork and this is where the guilt comes into play. I was proud of my career move, it opened a lot more doors for myself as a single income household but the sacrifice was that every other week my daughter didn’t have a parent put her to sleep, to meet her when she got home from school with an “I love you” and “how was your day?”.
I wasn’t there when she had a rough day, and all I could provide her was a 10-minute video chat before she went to bed, while I was completing my documentation at work. While I hold guilt for missing these important moments, I have learned to give myself grace for the fact I am raising an amazing daughter despite the sacrifices I had to make.
The Little Things Matter
When you are splitting your time between work and caregiving, it’s the little traditions that matter. As I mentioned, there were weeks when I was on my afternoon shifts that I wouldn’t be able to see my daughter other than a quick hello and goodbye during morning school drop offs.
So, on the Friday before going into weekends I worked, we created a tradition to go out for breakfast together. This provided meaningful connection time where we got caught up on each other’s weeks and intentionally sat with one another.
We Survive with the Help of Our Support Team
As single parents we don’t talk often enough about the times we come home and stand in our child’s bedroom doors and cry for missing yet another bedtime routine. We don’t often talk about the times your child may have begged you to not go to work because you couldn’t turn down an extra shift. We don’t talk often enough about the happy moments that have turned sad because we remembered we are the only ones watching this tiny human grow into who she was meant to be.
We disguise it all with, “It was hard, but I just do it”. But there are a select few people who have showed up for us, time and time again. To those people who let us vent, who let us share every smile from our day, who take us out for coffee to feel human again, we thank you from the bottom of our heart.
We wouldn’t be able to walk this path without our support people cheering us along. Because being a parent is an amazing thing but being a single parent is the hardest job anyone can do. Through everything, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I wouldn’t change the joy of watching my child grow into the beautiful soul that I helped shape.
To all the single parents out there, I see you. If you need support maneuvring this path, Bold Lotus Trauma Therapy is here to help. Click the link below to book a free consultation to see if we're the right fit for you.